f.r.i.e.n.d.s.

This is so true for all of YOU, my friends!

I'm thankful for the part each and every one of you has in my life.

But, tonight . . . 

I just really miss my BEST FRIEND ♥

... another FIRST ...

I wasn't going to post tonight. It's a night that ends a day of another "first".  We have never been big "celebrators" on Memorial Day, yet, it was still another first to get past. 

I started the day by picking 55 daisies to lay on Rick's grave.  I mentioned yesterday to Tessa that I wanted to get a YELLOW rose from me and 3 PINK roses from the girls for his grave and she said that she always wondered why people spent so much money to put things on people's graves (she IS the LEVEL - HEADED/frugal one!).  I guess God agreed as when I got into Walmart, there wasn't a flower to be found!  So, daisies, which are the flower that will always remind me of Rick, it was.  He'd like the daisies better anyway!

Even though we hardly ever went to the cemetery on Memorial Day, I went today, because I figured people would "expect" me to be there . . . oh, that fear of what people think, does it ever leave us?  It was nice to go, though and I was glad I went!  In light of the "what people think" statement, I will say here that going along with Tessa's statement from last night, THAT is one of the few conversations that Rick & I HAD had about death, and we both also agreed that it IS foolish to spend lots of money on the grave-site of someone who we know isn't really there anyway.  So, if you go to visit Rick's grave and find that it's not decorated as beautifully as some others, please know, that grave decorations do not = our love for Rick/Daddy.  I believe Rick loved his family with all his heart until he took his last breath, and we loved him fiercely and still do!  I personally do not feel the need to "prove" my love for him by placing large amounts of flowers/decorations on his grave, nor did I feel that I needed to purchase a larger/flashier stone.  Those are my personal feelings, so that being said, I'm also in no way, saying that it is wrong for others to do so, it is the way some people show their continuing respect and that's wonderful - just please don't judge me/us that's just not "our way"!

The rest of the day was fairly quiet (besides the rumbling thunder and the VERY LOUD tree frogs that have taken up residence near our back deck)!  

One of my devotionals this morning was a perfect reading for another day that marked a "first" holiday with Rick not with us: 

"There are no accidents with God, nor is He surprised by anything or anyone in the life of His child.  God uses even the most horrendous circumstances for our good.  Every circumstance comes to us for a purpose, bound by God's love and plan and faithfully delivered with His permission . . . Only God can take the broken pieces of your life and make something beautiful out of each one.  He is waiting for ou to let go of your pain and trust him."

Isaiah 45:3 says : "And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness - secret riches.  I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the One who CALLS YOU BY NAME."

What a wonderful thought in the devotional and promises from His Word!  "He is NOT surprised by ANYTHING . . . HE uses the most HORRENDOUS circumstances for our good . . . EVERY circumstance comes to us for a purpose, bound by HIS love . . . faithfully delivered with His permission . . . for He is the ONE who calls ME by NAME!

AGAIN, I'm reminded, I don't have to understand (or even like) facing all these firsts without Rick.  I don't have to like "visiting" him at the cemetery.  I just have to TRUST that He has a PURPOSE, that HE can turn even my most horrendous circumstance to my good.  Again today, the day of another "first", I CHOOSE to trust that He will give me treasures hidden in the darkness - secret riches.  I had the blessing of that today.  I had text conversations and a "real life" telephone conversation with 2 BEAUTIFUL new friends - friends who I didn't even KNOW 7 months ago.  I DON'T like the circumstances that brought us together, but I LOVE that God brought us together - we "sister" widows.  Leah and Cindy were both HUGE blessings to me today.  A day that DID feel a little "dark", but a day that God took just a few of the "broken pieces" and fitted them back together . . . a few more each day . . . as long as I CHOOSE to trust!

Something beautiful,

Something good,

All my confusion, He understood.

All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife,

But He made something beautiful of my life.

Weekends....

.....yes, they do get a little easier....the pain isn't so sharp and the "panic" feelings pass more quickly....the loneliness however is more noticeable. As life settles into more of a routine, the reality that this is really our life now sinks in a little more. This new being alone. All.the.time. Not the being alone as in the kids are gone for the day/evening/weekend, this is being alone as in I'm alone if I'm in my bedroom all by myself, if I'm sitting in a church service, if I'm working at a track meet, .... No matter when it is or where I am, I still feel "alone". If I'm truly alone or in a crowd. I'm working on trusting the Lord to fill those lonely places, and I KNOW He can, it's just different than a human being filling the empty places!! This weekend though, God sent some "filling" in the way of friends! On Saturday we had two unexpected visits - both of them reminding me of the LOVE that people have for us! Sweet reminders on a SATURDAY that we are not alone. Thanks, Bev, Kim, Issy, Sara, Lexi & Jo-Jo! We also got to spend time with Nick, Ashley & the girls for Lila's 1st Birthday....another bittersweet celebration. I still can see Rick's look of pride as he was holding her a year ago....she never got to know her Papa. But, she will always be reminded of just how much her Papa loved her! So, today we CELEBRATED Lila!!

As I'm falling asleep tonight with friends over and sleeping in the tent with Kajzi and Tessa & Taya "camping out" in the living room, I WILL give thanks for the blessings in my life! Wonderful kids, sweet grand-kids, good friends, lots of laughter this weekend, frogs "singing" outside my window (and I seem to notice all those things SO MUCH MORE this year-reminders of Gods presence EVERYWHERE!). I thank Him that weekends are getting easier, and that He sends so many little blessings my way!

BAD things DO happen to GOOD people . . .

I wasn't going to post tonight, because I'm just TIRED from our busy, busy weekend!  Taya had a track meet in Menominee tonight so I went down to that, ran some errands in town and came home and went for my run - the first one that felt "good" in a couple of days (couldn't be all that CAKE I've eaten in the past couple of days, now could it?)!!   

Anyway, I am posting tonight, but it's actually a "cut and paste" of a message that I sent someone on Facebook that also contains a "cut and paste" of a post that I did back in December . . . . (I have changed a few details here to offer some privacy).  My Facebook response is to someone who knows the Aunt who I mentioned last night - the one who just yesterday received a cancer diagnosis.    The person I responded to knows my Auntie quite well as we live in a small town.  She is questioning "why" . . . as we all are and we all do when "tragedy" hits just a little too close to home . . . the following is my attempt to help (just a little) give her some hope for this seemingly hopeless situation . . . 

Dear {friend}, I read through your post and comments on the news of Auntie's cancer diagnosis and I can just FEEL your pain in your posts.  :(  I wish there was a way to reach through the computer and give you a HUG!  First I have to say that I am so blessed reading your post - not in the pain that is there but that my Aunt has meant SO MUCH to you!  She is a special lady and your comments remind me how "each life affects another" (these were the exact words on a plaque that {this same} Uncle & Auntie gave me on my high school graduation!)  I hope that through your pain and all the questions you are asking, that you will also consider yourself BLESSED to have had this dear couple in your life for the past 16 years!


As for your questions, TRUST ME, I GET IT . . . I have asked questions over and over and over for the past 6 months.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  I don't know how well you knew Rick, but in the "grand scheme of things" Rick was a pretty "good" guy!  And I'm not saying that just because he was my BEST FRIEND, the Daddy to my kids and my husband, he really was a "good guy" as most anyone who knew him will tell you!  


But, BAD things DO happen to GOOD people.  Things like falling off a roof, car accidents, heart attacks, and yes, a cancer diagnosis.  I won't EVER pretend to have the answers as to WHY?  I don't have them.  I remember a very wise person once telling me when they questioned "why" something happened, they pictured GOD at a big desk in Heaven with envelopes piled near Him.  As He looked at the contents of the envelope (which contained the "bad" news . . . falling off a roof, a car accident, a heart attack, a baby born with a condition requiring surgery at just hours old, a cancer diagnosis . . .), God stamps the envelope "approved" and sends it on - to touch the life of those affected.  This story wasn't told to say that God "sent" the bad our way, it was told to say that He KNEW of it and still promised to be near to us as we endured it - whatever "it" might be.


This might all be just rambling, and if it is, I'm sorry, I just ache for you and want to offer you some hope - even in this darkness.  Shortly after Rick died, I posted the following on my blog, I hope that it explains a little of the HOPE that I have (and that I KNOW that {Auntie & Uncle} have) . . . 


The post was titled "so, how did he KNOW . . . how do we KNOW?"


"...some of you may be wondering, how did Rick KNOW he was going to Heaven?  You might be asking us, how can you rest assured that he IS in Heaven?


I would be failing my Lord and Rick’s legacy if I didn’t take a minute or two here to let you know how Rick (and we) have the assurance of eternity in Heaven after our time on earth is done (and how you can know the same if you aren’t sure)!


Simply put: “For God so loved the world that He gave His ONLY BEGOTTEN Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have eternal life”.  John 3:16


However, we can’t just end there, because I think there are some things that may be “assumed” if I just use this verse alone to point you to Jesus.


First of all, if I were able to talk to most (if not all) of you reading my blog, I’m thinking that the majority would say that they “believe” in Jesus, God, Heaven and Hell. There-in lies a problem because, James 2:19 says, “even the demons believe – and shudder”.  So, "belief" alone, obviously isn't enough, if even the demons believe - and SHUDDER!


I also think that most of us would say that we are “good” people (and Rick surely was a GOOD man - as his brother in law said once, Rick is so nice - you could stand on his tongue and he wouldn't get mad - and that was a very accurate assessment of Rick's mellow personality!), but, the Bible says “ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”.  Romans 3:23


…. But, I’m not a murder or a thief, I'm not addicted to pornography, I'm not an alcoholic, don't do drugs (or any one of the MANY excuses we can make to help us feel better about ourselves). . . . , LOTS of people do MUCH worse things than I do - you may be thinking . . .But, wait, Romans 6:23 says, “For the WAGES of sin is DEATH, but the GIFT of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”


So, if ALL have sinned and the wages of sin is DEATH (which in this sense means ETERNAL separation from God for all eternity), that pretty much covers every one of us.  All is a word that leaves NO doubt, it doesn’t say “some” have sinned, or “most” have sinned, it says ALL have sinned – ALL, EVERYONE, EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING WHO HAS EVER LIVED . . . that’s you, that’s me, that’s Rick.


Now that we’ve established that we ALL are sinners, what is the penalty for that sin?  According to Romans 6:23, the wages, the PAYMENT for sin is DEATH – eternal separation from God.  But the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.  GIFT as defined by dictionary.com is “something given  voluntarily without payment in return,”


Romans 5:8 tells us that, “God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” This verse ties in with John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that He GAVE . . . “ He gave (“gave”, FREELY, a “GIFT”), His ONLY son that WHILE WE (all) were still sinners, “CHRIST DIED FOR US”.  He (God) GAVE the ULITMATE gift, He gave His ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, while we were sinners, and that ultimate gift, His only SON DIED for us . . . while we were yet sinners.  WOW!  I LOVE giving gifts as much as I enjoy receiving them.  I LOVE to show the kids my LOVE by giving them gifts, but to give a gift to someone who doesn’t love me in return, who in fact hates me?  That puts it into a whole new perspective.  Yet, that is exactly what happened when CHRIST DIED FOR us.  He did that WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS (while we still “hated” Him, while we were still His enemies). 


At this point in the story, we all have a choice to make.  We can believe and embrace this truth and ACCEPT this FREE gift, or we can deny it and turn our backs on God and the promises He makes to us – the choice is up to you.  The Bible says, “For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."  That’s another one of those “all” words!  EVERYONE who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. 


Rick and I had several conversations about the moment when we each “called upon the name of the Lord”.  He very vividly remembered watching a Billy Graham crusade as a child and making the conscious decision that he WAS a sinner and he needed the saving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.  He, at that point called upon the name of the Lord and invited Christ to live in his heart and reign over his life.  He put his old sin nature to death at that moment, and was brought forever into God’s glorious kingdom!  That is the REASON we as his family have HOPE for the future.  I remember the day that I prayed that same prayer at VBS one summer and the girls all remember the moment they asked the Lord into their hearts, Tessa at home in the living room with me, and Taya & Kajsa with their Daddy – what precious memories, and a GLORIOUS hope for the future!  We WILL all some day be reunited – it is a PROMISE.


We are also told in the Bible that “if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.”  Romans 10:9-10.  Rick and I had the privilege of “confessing” with our mouth before our church family that we were saved and were baptized along with our best friends, Jim & Donna, and several others on Superbowl Sunday several years ago.  We do NOT believe that the baptism is what “saved” us, it was our trust in the Lord, the asking Him to be our Savior and rule over our hearts and minds that gave us that free gift of eternal life, the baptism was the just “outward” confessing, the professing to others that we were children of God.  It is the symbolism of being “buried with Him” (when you go under the water) and being “raised up again with Him in newness of life”) as you are brought back up from the water).  Rick and I also had the honor of attending the baptism of all 3 girls out at Lake Lundgren Bible Camp on Labor Day 2010.  Tessa was baptized by one of the leaders, Sponz, who mentored her during LDC (Leadership Development Camp) that summer, and Taya & Kajsa were baptized Mama Ruth's husband, Mike.  It was a beautiful day and one that I will not forget, and I'm so thankful that it is a day we got to celebrate together as a family!


So, that in a somewhat abbreviated form is the WHY we have HOPE in the future, WHY the night we welcomed 600+ people at the funeral home, we were CELEBRATING Rick's life. This is it . . . we were celebrating his life here on earth - the 55 years that the Lord blessed him with, and blessed us with for having had such a wonderful person in our lives!  But, we were also (and more importantly) celebrating the fact that Rick was more alive than ever that day - safe in his FOREVER home with Jesus in Heaven . . . the place that have the assurance that some day, we will be reunited, when the Lord calls us home.♥


And, if I still have questions, Pastor Dave read from Psalm 146 for the scripture reading on Sunday - verse 9 contains this promise "The Lord . . . upholds the widow and the fatherless".  As much as Rickey loved us, and took care of us (and he WAS my BEST FRIEND, an awesome husband and such a tender, loving Daddy), THE LORD TAKES EVEN BETTER CARE OF US, AND LOVES US EVEN MORE!!!  ♥  That is something to give thanks for, and to REST in as we lay our heads to rest each night and to wake up to each morning to face a new day, in this our journey to find our "new normal"


Please, also understand that I am not saying I fully "accept" this "new normal" that I am living with the "flippant" saying, "he is in a better place".  I CHOOSE daily to accept that the Lord loves us, infinitely more than I can imagine.  I CHOOSE daily to accept that God did not BLINK on November 5 as Rick was falling.  I CHOOSE daily to look to the Lord to be my strength and my shield.  I CHOOSE daily to believe Psalm 139:16 "16 "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me,  when as yet there was none of them (IN YOUR BOOK WERE WRITTEN EVERY ONE OF THEM THE DAYS THAT WERE FORMED FOR ME - that tells me that God planned Rick's life, from 1st breath to last).  I CHOOSE daily to embrace what I have been given - to love just a little bit better, forgive more quickly and make each moment count.  I daily pray that I will honor Rick's memory, serve the Lord, be both mama & daddy to my girls, love the big kids, love the grandbabies . . . . It is a daily (moment by moment) CHOICE and a daily (moment by moment) prayer to serve the Lord in all things."


I hope this helps, just a little!  


Love you girl, and I'm praying for you as well as Auntie, Uncle and their entire family ♥

YOU saw me . . . ♥

Psalm 139:16

One of my favorite verses.

One of my favorite promises.

The promise that God KNOWS.

The promise that God KNEW.

God laid out Rick's days before even ONE had passed.

We don't understand, but GOD does.  Our days are in HIS hands and HE knew of them before we even came to be.  With HIM, there are no mistakes.

Tonight we got the news that one of my Aunts found out that she has cancer.  Not many details are known yet.  Those will come in the days and weeks ahead.  Another reminder to us of how precious LIFE is. Another reminder to live and laugh and love and hug our loved ones.  We DON'T know what tomorrow will bring.  BUT HE DOES!

Tonight, I will fall asleep with my Aunt & Uncle, their kids, grandkids & great-grandkids on my heart and in my prayers. I will be thinking about and praying for my dad and the other siblings. I am again reminded of how unpredictable (to us) life can be.  I'm thankful that we can bring it all to HIM who is not surprised by today's news, and I'm thankful that HE is already in our tomorrows.